I don’t actually let people know this, but being alone and lonely gets to me more than I like to admit. I am used to it though, towards some point. But it is when I stop and think about it, I see how much it hurts me. How I just sit there, wishing someone was there with me. Sitting alone in a room, it’s hard. Be it online or in real life. It makes you start thinking, unless you distract yourself to the point where you ignore it.
But that doesn’t make the pain go away, the demons that start to enter your mind where you tried so hard to hide them and gag them. In fact, sometimes I think the more you are alone, the more they fight. The more you start thinking about them. So instead of thinking of my own, I am typing all this down, in hopes it will help.
We all have demons, we all have nightmares, and…or at least I hope, we all try to fight them. Sometimes we get up, and stay strong. And then there are the days where you just fall and can’t get up from their taunting words. The damaging words. The words that cause your soul to cry out in pain, hoping someone will hear it…and that they will help save you. Or at least…make the pain, the terror, the words, and the loneliness…go away, even if it is for a moment. A moment of relief is…wonderful. But then you can’t help start thinking when the next time the pain will come. When it will get worse again. When those demons will return, stronger than ever, ready to take you down to your personal Hell, and make you so bad that you can’t get up again.
I hate to say this…but there has been so much shit in my life…I try so hard to be positive, I try to let people know that I’ll be okay. Or that I am okay. I hardly ever let them know how badly I am doing. I’m worse off than how people know. How can I physically fight a battle when I’ve been fighting it and mental/emotional issues for years? I’m exhausted. I’m tired of fighting. I am tired of being the strong one. I am just…oh so tired.
I am also alone. And lonely. Surround by people, but yet…so lonely.
Guess that is what God/Fate/Life/Whatever decided to give me…and I don’t know how much more I can take of it. I hardly have enough fight in me left. Guess I am saving it for when I honestly need it…