Monday, May 7, 2012

The World Is Quiet Here

The world gets too quiet sometimes.
All sounds fades away to a dull roar, all mixed together, and images move in slow motion, their colors muted. It is in these moments that I create my own world, and it's a dangerous world, for in it, anything can happen, and I am powerless to stop it.
Sometimes is can be wonderful. I have the most amazing daydreams, dreams of meeting the perfect guy, falling in love, growing up and having a family. I dream of saving the world and of making movies. I dream of traveling. I dream of death.
For me, death is everything. It is all I want and all I fear. It is terrifyingly imminent and yet it seems so far away that I grasp at it only to have it dance from my fingertips. Sometimes I dream of car crashes or of drive-by shootings. I dream of dragging a blade across my wrists, throat, chest; pulling a trigger to bury a bullet in my brain. I dream of tall cliffs and of fast-moving trains; I dream of drowning and falling and burning and everything in between. My dreams scare me. My dreams keep me going.
Sometimes, at night, when my paranoia kicks in really bad, the only way I can relax myself enough to fall asleep is to remind myself that even if someone were to kill me in the night, it would be okay, because I want to die anyway.

Life goes on after love has gone

No one ever taught us how to deal with the pain of a broken heart, we don't get taught anything real about relationships in school, we just have to learn from our own lessons.
It doesn't matter how young or old you are, anybody can love and anybody can have their heart broken.
After recently having my heart TRULY broken for the first time, I've realised that all the quotes that I've read on heartbreak, all the reactions to heartbreak you see in films, all the lyrics you hear in songs about heartbreak - they're all true, down to a tee.
You can never under estimate how much power loving someone can have over you. 
Since going through my break up, and still going through it, I've realised how slow time goes now that I'm not spending it with him. Seconds turn to minutes, minutes turn to hours, hours turn to days, days turn to months, and so on and so forth. My beds completely cold compared to the warmth it used to have in it every night, all of a sudden a - smaller than - double bed, feels like a - bigger than - king size bed. And all of a sudden, it seems like I've lost my whole meaning to life. 
How? How can i possibly lose meaning to my life at the age of 19?! I'm 19 years old and I'm going through heartbreak as though I've just been widowed by a man that I'd been married to for the best part of my life.
But I've realised,I'm too young to just pause my life just because one person, one boy, has left me. Why should my friends have to lose out on my personality just because of the way HE has made me feel? Why should my family walk on egg shells around me because of the way HE hurt my feelings? Why should I feel like I've lost the best part of my life when he's having the time of his life?
Your destiny lies in NO-ONE. If people leave you, they are meant to leave you.
As much as you may not want it to be over, that person is just not meant to have that connection to you in life.
And one day someone will make you feel worthwhile again and all those negative thoughts that, that one person put in your head about relationships, they'll begin to fade.
Love is just a part of life, not the main priority.

Friday, May 4, 2012

May 4, 2012

An idea of a rather horrible realization have dawned upon me when I have thought of what it was actually like to feel lonely. I know there had been so many perceptions and explanations around and I have even said my own piece for the respective subject in the past but I have always been so eager throughout whenever this is always being brought upon. And maybe, this is one of those times that I have finally figured it all out with an adult point of view. Loneliness, for me, is a state of mental illness one holds no complete authority or any cure for. It always has its stinging feeling that goes down beneath our skins and slides down to our very bones, and sometimes, we would never know how much it is actually hurting until it demands us to have it felt. And sure it gives us no pain coming from a physical damage or sudden impacts but the antagonizing effect brought through the emotional approach beats the hell of all the physical pain combined. It knocks us off our feet and sometimes, it tests our threshold for pain that eventually dictates us how much we’re surviving through the times of torturing. It makes us loathe ourselves while at the same trying to think of a way on how are we gonna get through the hell of it all. But this has always been a rather inescapable temporary prison of some sort. And you can never get out until it declares that it’s finally done with you. So we try to keep ourselves sane, think of the other things and will ourselves away from it. But no matter how hard we try to do the best that we can, it keeps haunting us over and over again. So being the humans we are, we sometimes cross the line to insanity and go through the edge of our madness. And this horrible realization sometimes makes us think how awful we’ve gone throughout the course of time. It gives us the sense of disgust toward ourselves, makes us sick of our lives and we eventually develop the hate and envy towards the people around us who are not lonely. So at some points we grow weary and desperate of our lives that we eventually lose hope of getting through the phase of loneliness. But things are always temporary, so maybe, we only have to keep moving, continue embracing the painful truth and live with it, and when the time comes that it sets us free, that’s when we set no standards in our lives and allow every single person in.

Katrina's Site: Dear Loneliness,

Katrina's Site: Dear Loneliness,

Dear Loneliness,

I don’t actually let people know this, but being alone and lonely gets to me more than I like to admit. I am used to it though, towards some point. But it is when I stop and think about it, I see how much it hurts me. How I just sit there, wishing someone was there with me. Sitting alone in a room, it’s hard. Be it online or in real life. It makes you start thinking, unless you distract yourself to the point where you ignore it.
But that doesn’t make the pain go away, the demons that start to enter your mind where you tried so hard to hide them and gag them. In fact, sometimes I think the more you are alone, the more they fight. The more you start thinking about them. So instead of thinking of my own, I am typing all this down, in hopes it will help. 
We all have demons, we all have nightmares, and…or at least I hope, we all try to fight them. Sometimes we get up, and stay strong. And then there are the days where you just fall and can’t get up from their taunting words. The damaging words. The words that cause your soul to cry out in pain, hoping someone will hear it…and that they will help save you. Or at least…make the pain, the terror, the words, and the loneliness…go away, even if it is for a moment. A moment of relief is…wonderful. But then you can’t help start thinking when the next time the pain will come. When it will get worse again. When those demons will return, stronger than ever, ready to take you down to your personal Hell, and make you so bad that you can’t get up again. 
I hate to say this…but there has been so much shit in my life…I try so hard to be positive, I try to let people know that I’ll be okay. Or that I am okay. I hardly ever let them know how badly I am doing. I’m worse off than how people know. How can I physically fight a battle when I’ve been fighting it and mental/emotional issues for years? I’m exhausted. I’m tired of fighting. I am tired of being the strong one. I am just…oh so tired. 
I am also alone. And lonely. Surround by people, but yet…so lonely. 
Guess that is what God/Fate/Life/Whatever decided to give me…and I don’t know how much more I can take of it. I hardly have enough fight in me left. Guess I am saving it for when I honestly need it…
The Dreamer

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Being Remembered

What is the purpose of life? It’s a pretty philosophical question, I know. For some, it’s just to live life to the fullest. This is great and all, but I really would like to be remembered. I want to affect other people to the point that I helped them live a better life. 
It really depresses me when some people just want to get by, and that’s it. That’s essentially saying that you, as a human, have no effect on the outcome of others’ lives. I see this most commonly with firm believers in fate. I believe in fate to a point, but I also think we have the ability to determine our own paths, whatever they may be. 
Some may say, “How the heck can I make a difference, when I just want my loved-ones to survive and have a better life than I did?” To that I say that seeing you helping and empowering others will make your loved-ones appreciate the action of helping and empowering others. If everyone just worries about their immediate families, your communities, states, countries, globe will suffer as a whole.
As an end-note, embrace change. Use it to your advantage. Don’t let others tell you that changing is always a bad thing.
“Change is a triumph of humanity.” - Biz Stone of Twitter.

just realized something about myself

I’m so nice to everyone and allow myself to be walked all over because I just want to be remembered when everyone else goes off with the ones they love. i just want someone to think back and remember me and maybe one day when i’m all alone i’ll get a phone call from someone who chose to catch up. I know once I graduate it’ll be years and years before this happens, probably decades even, for me it’s worth it. I just want to be remembered sometime down the road. I want a positive eulogy as morbid as that sounds.